The day I decided not to renew my temple recommend came suddenly. I thought I had decided it many times in the days, weeks, and months before it actually happened. I thought I had rehearsed the conversation, the reasons, the arguments. I was ready to feel right and validated and shine light and understanding on others. I had the conversation in my head so many times – spoken the words aloud, mouthed them when I wanted to concentrate.
So when they mentioned that my temple recommend was expiring, and if I wanted to renew it that Sunday after meetings, I was surprised by my reaction.
That day held only a simple shake of the head and a short, “I don’t think so.”
I am wondering today why I felt I should go through the temple recommend process when I knew I would not be able to answer the questions all affirmatively. Part of me thinks I wanted to force a church leader to say no to someone who was sincerely trying. That part of me is not proud of those inclinations, and feel I shouldn’t want to put my friends in that position.
Part of me thinks I felt a duty to go through the process of reporting to my leader, because they have some stewardship over me. This part of me has decided I need to be responsible for my own growth and development and should not defer that hard work to another individual.
This perhaps is why I did many things. I wanted to be told what to do because it was easier and cleaner and simpler in many ways.