I wonder if what I’m looking for people who tell me it’s okay to not believe in God. Or at least a place that tells me it’s okay to not know if I believe in God. Then I would hope those people would ask me what I was thinking and what I am looking for and what I believe and what I am trying to figure out.
I am trying to grow, and some of that means trying to find a belief after it has left. I don’t know exactly why it left…I have ideas of what disappointed me within my beliefs. I have ideas of what didn’t make sense within my beliefs. I have ideas of where I saw hurt. But none of those help me find belief again, they just increase the risk of me getting stuck in the past. Moving forward is leaving the past behind. But sometimes moving forward works best when understanding the past. I do not know.
I know that when a relationship becomes broken, and a person loses trust, it is difficult to rebuild that trust. Is there a difference between trust and belief? No, I think it is the same. They both create vulnerability and risk and allegiance.
But when the relationship and vulnerability results in hurt, it is hard to be vulnerable again. And if you are not able to be vulnerable it is difficult to re-invest in the relationship.