LT wanted more of her congregation as community. I think. I think she wanted to feel more like she was part of the solution, as opposed to being part of the needing solved. I was the one who suggested we put square pegs into the leadership positions. But in the moment where the square peg didn’t fit into the round hole, I supported the round hole.
I wonder if the problem here isn’t that she was given a chance to have a voice and be in the room and sit at the table, but rather that she was forced to do it in a way that was not genuine to her.
I am someone who knows how this feels – to be asked to be a leader in a way that feels disingenuous, in a way where you don’t feel part of the team, in a way where your perspective doesn’t align with the perspective of the other leaders. It’s one thing to be a passive receiver of a leader’s direction, and another to be tasked with enacting such.
I am/was angry with CF for putting me in the position of having to enact a vision I wasn’t aligned with. I felt like I gave him reasons to not put me in the position, but the pedestal he offered was something I wanted at that time. Still, I expected more of him because he was the leader and leaders are expected of. And she expected more of me and I wasn’t able to meet such.
Part of me feels sorrow for being the leader when she stepped away from the community. Part of me is envious of what I hope is the better balance and peace she may be feeling. Perhaps she has gone through already what I am still going through.
From this I choose to learn that I should meet people where they are, give them opportunity to have a voice and influence in a way that works for them, and not assume people all want the same things for their lives.
–
The C family came to me asking for help, and I didn’t help them. I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do; maybe I still feel that way.
From this I choose to learn that I may feel bad for decisions that I think are right. People may get hurt when I make decisions that make sense to me. I should give grace to others who have to make the decisions.
–
I met with multiple people specifically to tell them they needed to do something different if they wanted to have a fulfilled life. CC, SS, the Q Family, SL, that girl from the singles branch, NC, CI. These people were probably giving their best selves and my actions may have given them pause to reconsider any fulfillment they thought they had.
From this I choose to learn that I must do better at recognizing what people are bringing. Most people wake up and want to give their best selves.
–
BC needed help moving his family and the church group leader wasn’t willing to coordinate help and I didn’t tell the church group leader to do anything differently. Maybe I wouldn’t know how to handle the situation differently today. I would have either hurt B for how it turned out, or hurt the church group leader by forcing him to do something he didn’t want to do.
From this I choose to learn that part of being alone is feeling blamed for being stuck between a rock and a hard place. This happens to leaders but it also happens to humans.